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Double Dutch

The Inbetweeners meets Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, D.R. Fenner and Jacqueline Haigh’s debut comedy crime is based on true events and the Dutch crime duo Johannes Mieremet and Sam Klepper. An Aussie accountant at a successful London bank and his two best mates throw themselves into an Amsterdam adventure – but their antics disrupt the lives of the city’s two most notorious gangsters; Spic and Span are named after the ruthlessly efficient means taken to dispose of their victims. ‘Some tourists think Amsterdam is a city of sin, but in truth, it is a city of freedom. And in freedom, most people find sin.’  Sweat beaded on Ando’s forehead then meandered down his cheeks in rivulets. The cold muzzle of the gun pushed against his left temple so hard it hurt. Holding the weapon was a neatly suited, clean-shaven Dutchman with greased-back, dark brown hair. His shark-like eyes glistened. Meanwhile, his accomplice, a heavy-set guy with a pugnacious face, stood across the room grinning. Spic and Span never sent henchmen to do their dirty work. They viewed this as their vocation – it wasn’t just about making money. It was a matter of reputation.    ‘Well now,’ the gunman said, waving his pistol calmly. ‘That’s interesting because my good friend Mr Beretta here says you’ll do exactly as you’re told.’ Span stretched up to his full height of six foot three. Ando looked across the room, to where his friend, Dickie stared in horror at the second gangster, who was even taller, and roughly the same distance across the shoulders. An archetypal hatchet man, he looked the type you could run over with a tank, and he’d get up and smile at you. Dickie was squirming, hunched in his chair in a way which accentuated his double chin. Ando knew that expression only too well. Dickie was doing the face he always did when trying not to soil his pants, which he would no doubt blame on his gastric issues if they got out of here alive.             Dickie’s wide-eyed countenance caught the attention of Spic, whose forehead creased into a frown.             ‘You like me, pretty boy?’ He sneered. ‘Should I bend you over and make you my bitch?’             ‘Err… no,’ quivered Dickie.             ‘Then stop eyeing me up.’             Dickie lowered his eyes and fixed them on the gangster’s shiny, wing-tip shoes.             Ando glanced over at his other friend, Hoppa, hovering further to his right. Strangely, despite the fraught situation, Hoppa looked relaxed, almost a smirking. How does he do that? Ando thought. No wonder he’s so good at poker. Over the years, Ando had heard about the colourful characters that Hoppa knew, so it was unlikely to be the first time he’d seen someone threatened with a gun. But even so…             Unfortunately, the gangster holding the gun to Ando’s head was not so impressed by Hoppa’s laid-back manner.             ‘Is something funny, clever boy?’             ‘No, no, nothing.’ Hoppa kept a straight face.             ‘You think I’m comical?’ Span yelled. ‘You think I’m a fucking clown?’             ‘No,’ Hoppa persisted.             God, he’s good, Ando thought. But, of course, it was a red rag to the Dutch bull.             ‘You think you English can fuck with me?’ Span turned and away from Ando, spraying saliva in Hoppa’s direction as he spoke.             ‘No.’             ‘Smile again, and I shoot your dick off. Got it?’ Span aimed his handgun at Hoppa’s groin, then twisted his neck, making it crack. His eyes became even more sadistic. Spic was terrifying, but Span took it to another level. He liked to get in people’s heads, to hear them scream. The things Spic had watched his comrade do would make most grown men weep.             ‘Please, guys,’ Ando pleaded. ‘We’re not trying to fuck with you. This was all a stupid mistake.’             Span turned back towards Ando, removed a silencer from his pocket and screwed it onto the end of his gun. Ando’s imagination kicked into overdrive. He pictured the bullet exploding through his skull and exiting behind his right ear, scattering shards of bone into the cerebral cortex, back toward the basal ganglia, and down into the thalamus as his brains blew out all over the wall. Over-analysis even at a time like this. He thought.             As the tip of the pistol pressed back on his sweaty forehead, a strange sensation flooded over him. Time slowed. The commotion around him faded away. Out of the corner of his eye, he caught a last glimpse of his two best mates as they looked on in horror.             ‘You know,’ Span said, ‘some religions think dying is like being born. I like that. An ending, a new beginning, who knows?’             ‘I’m not religious!’ Ando blurted. His voice was shrill. He didn’t know where the words had come from. It was as if they just erupted from his mouth. ‘That’s OK,’ Span said, smiling softly. ‘Just pick a God and pray.’ Behind his closed eyes, Ando heard the sound of the weapon being cocked and waited for his moment. Would it hurt? Would he feel it? He never thought that his time on Earth would end like this, in a soulless hotel room in Amsterdam…   This is an edited extract from Double Dutch  set for publication with the RiverRun imprint of Foreshore in late spring this year. D.R. FENNER is a novelist who lives with his wife and three young children on the northern beaches in Sydney. JACQUELINE HAIGH is a scriptwriter, story consultant and performer. She has over twenty years of experience as a writer and stand-up comic and has written books and scripts for film, TV, stage and radio. Feature graphic by Eliezer Muller on Unsplash

Foreshore to publish debut novel by poet Marie Anne Arreola

Foreshore is set to publish the debut novel by award winning poet Marie Anne Arreola after an exclusive submission.  Phil M. Shirley, publisher-in-chief at Foreshore, acquired world rights to Sparks of the Liberating Spirit who Trapped Us back in Woodstock by Marie Anne, the debut novel from the highly acclaimed Mexican poet, following an exclusive submission from the author. The new book is a magical realism novel debut novel that draws on the supernatural and is inspired by WILDSOUND’s Festival selection of Marie Anne’s winning poem Woodstock, a visually evocative tale that captures the haunting beauty of memory, and the delicate machinery of human connection—where sometimes, the only way to fix what’s broken is to embrace the imperfection of the present. Jonathan, a 38-year-old man adrift in the unresolved corners of his life, returns to Woodstock for his grandfather’s funeral, where he receives a set of instructions from his ghost—an eerie and poetic task that leads him into an alternate version of his own timeline, facing the opportunity to rearrange the loose ends of his life. Phil M. Shirley said: “I am an admirer of Marie Anne’s work, both her poetry and her short fiction, so when the chance to publish her debut novel came along, I leapt at it. Marie is a gifted storyteller whose bold and inventive writing  illuminates and expands our understanding of the physical and spiritual world in which we inhabit. I’m thrilled to be bringing her to Foreshore with “Woodstock.” As the recipient of the 2024 Young Poets Scholarship from the Gutiérrez Lozano Foundation and a two-time finalist in the V and VI Francisco Ruiz Udiel Hispanic American Poetry Prize of Valparaíso Ediciones (Spain), Marie Anne’s poetry appears in books, anthologies and magazines from North American publishers, such as “BIPOC Issue”, “Walk of Life”, “CULTURE” , “December Poetry” , and in the digital catalogues of Mortal Magazine, F3LL Magazine, The Ground Up & For Women Who Roar Magazine . Her poem A Movie Called Honeycomb was selected for publication in the Torrey House Press chapbook, In the Garden, part of the Environmental Humanities Program at the University of Utah. Marie has also received national recognition for her Spanish-language fiction, with publications in the Instituto Sonorense de la Cultura, Yuku Jeeka, Vislumbre, Neotraba, and Craquelarre magazines, and in the digital catalogs of Perlas del desierto and After Hours Magazine. Her short story The Boots That Shake Spirits won first place for publication at the state level in the Budding Feathers 2022 literary contest .

Bestselling Young Dracula author Michael Lawrence signs deal for two new books.

The English bestselling children’s author Michael Lawrence has signed a two book deal with Foreshore Publishing. Lawrence is the author of over forty books for children and young adults. Many of his books have been published internationally and translated into more than twenty languages. One of them – Young Dracula – was adapted for television, eventually becoming a TV series. The Huntingdonshire -born writer’s most popular books are the Jiggy McCue novels – including The Killer Underpants, The Toilet of Doom, The Meanest Genie and The Iron, the Switch and the Broom Cupboard –  the The Aldous Lexicon trilogy (A Crack in the Line, Small Eternities and The Underwood See) and Juby’s Rook. Foreshore will publish the first new Lawrence title, an adult general fiction novel titled The Godawful Misfortunes of Samson O’Christ with the RiverRun imprint of Foreshore in late spring this year. The second, a memoir titled  The Young Photographer’s Tale will publish with the Tributary imprint of Foreshore in late autumn this year. Lawrence, who attended the same art school as Freddie Mercury of Queen, Ronnie Wood of the Rolling Stones and Pete Townshend of The Who, worked as photographer during the 60s, taking pictures for advertising agencies, newspapers and publishers, of pop stars, politicians, and fashion models. He has also been an antiques dealer and a printer (photographic and silkscreen), has co-owned two art galleries, and made hundreds of paintings, drawings and experimental digital images. “Michael’s talents are myriad and extraordinary – and among his greatest gifts is his talent to write a good story,” said Phil M. Shirley, publisher-in-chief Foreshore Publishing. “We are obviously thrilled to sign Michael and his work and look forward to a fruitful, long term publishing relationship.”

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